Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.
Recognize that? It's the chorus from the hymn, "Here I am, Lord." It's a great song, and I really like to sing it. When I see it listed in the worship bulletin, I smile in anticipation.
I have noticed lately, though, that it always makes me cry. Why is that? It's a great song; tears interfere!
As I mentioned on Sunday, we came to St. Mark's for church. This was the final hymn of the service. As I sang it, (and fought back the annoying tears), I finally figured it out.
I can sing the verses just fine -- it's the line, "I have heard you calling in the night" that gets to me.
If you read the blog with any regularity, you may remember that I changed jobs in May. One Sunday evening in April, before I went to bed, I began considering applying for the job that I hold now. When I went to bed, I was certain that I wasn't going to do it. I stayed awake all night long. All night long, no sleep. I just kept thinking about the job, what it would mean, the changes it would bring. When I got up the next morning, I was certain that I wanted to apply.
Fast forward a month and a half, after I had interviewed for the job, been offered it, accepted and started work. I was in a meeting with someone else, not from the world of "church," who asked, "What led to to such a drastic change in work?" No one had asked me that before. I felt on the spot, and before I could think, I answered, "God."
Probably not the most professional answer, and it may not have left him with that great of an impression of me, but it confirmed for me what I had thought before.
I think I have heard him calling in the night. One night in April.
When I say things like that, I always feel arrogant. Who am I to think that God is calling me? However, if I believe what I say that I believe, then I must say that God is calling me. I am a child of God. So are you -- and he's calling you, too. The call doesn't make me special; it just makes me beloved -- like you. Like all of us.
I have a feeling that being beloved is enough to bring anyone to tears.
Image: Sunset on Sunday evening, from the mall parking lot, after J's birthday day. Absolutely gorgeous sky!