Where Have I Been?

Where have I been?

My usual pattern for posting in the last couple of years is to post four days a week, with the Thursday post being an image.  There have been times when I have taken a break from posting, and, obviously, this time has been one of them.  

Sometimes breaks are planned - I might step back for a week while I am on vacation, or for a time when I feel that I need a break.  But this break was unplanned, and stemmed directly from the pandemic.  That isn't to say I've been sick - I have not been.  I am fine, and I'm grateful the rest of my family and friends are well, also.  

However, this has been a time of high anxiety.  I'm sure you have felt it as I have.  There is a break from normalcy, as we learn words that we didn't know before - or maybe that didn't exist before.  Words like social distancing and safer at home.  I have cycled between anxiety, grief, and peace.  I'm blessed that most often I feel peace, but grief or anxiety can rise up when I don't expect them to.  And I imagine the same is true for you.

I've stepped back from a few things.  I can feel anxiety rise as I watch the news, so I don't.  I check in so that I will know what is happening in the world, but I cannot watch the death toll rise or the dire predictions of what was or is to come.  I am responsibly connected, but not listening otherwise.  That was an intentional decision.  An unintentional decision is that it is harder to be creative.  I love cardmaking.  At first, I couldn't do it at all.  Now I can - gratefully and joyfully - but not as often.  The blog - another creative outlet - sat quiet.  I haven't been writing or posting.  I felt no draw to do so.  I felt guilty about that, because I thought I should be, but I haven't.  

I've also noticed that spiritual practices, such as prayer or devotionals, have not been happening.  I wrote in a Facebook post one day that I couldn't pray.  No words for prayer.  The day I posted that was the first day I sat down and made a card (which felt great, and even prayerful).  

Also, I haven't been able to set goals.  I have an organized mind, and lists of goals made me feel calmer - organized - less anxious.  But the pages I set aside for goal-setting in my journal have been purposefully - intentionally - blank for April and May.  I've been very busy, but haven't set goals.

Why am I telling you all of this?

I hope that you have been kind to yourself in this time of high anxiety and grief.  I hope you realize that what you are feeling - whatever it is - is a normal reaction to a very not-normal time in our world.  

That said, while the pandemic is still here, and we are in grief over the continued racial tensions (seems like such a small word for such a big thing) in our country, the body and mind learn to adjust.  I can pray again.  I hope to spend some time making cards today.  And I'm setting a goal of posting on the blog in June.  It will probably be three times a week, and we'll see where that goes.

Take care and be well.