Know my Heart

I'm working my way through Job. I anticipated that this would be dreadful -- sad and depressing. It is sad and depressing, but it's not dreadful. I can't say I walk away from it filled with joy, but the book has made me think.

What has struck me is Job's steadfast determination that he is blameless. Of course, we haven't caught him on his best day, but even though his "friends" continue to try to convince him that he has done something wrong -- something to deserve what has happened to him, Job is convinced that God is unjust. He believes this, I think, because of his unswerving conviction that he is innocent.

How can Job -- how can anyone -- be so convinced that he is sinless?

S and I (and J) went to an Emmaus gathering this evening. I was struck by the contrast between Job's conviction of innocence, and my reaction to the Call to Confession prior to Communion. Brad used Psalm 139, which I thought was beautiful, until he got the end.

Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (vs 23-24, NIV)

Uh...well...no, thank you. Please don't examine me that closely. Kim's version, "O, God, please ignore my sins, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Silly, really. Just like Adam and Eve, I can't really hide in the garden and not expect God to know where I am. He knows where I am; He knows my heart and my sins. I'm really uncomfortable with that, but my discomfort doesn' t make it any less true. God knows my sins; he's just waiting for me to do the "examining."

I'm not particularly comfortable with that, either.

I enjoyed the Emmaus Gathering. Dan's talk was great. He kept saying all through it that, "I'm not Billy Graham." One of my favorite parts of the evening was when Brad said, "Billy Graham is in North Carolina, saying 'I'm no Dan.'" What a wonderful, God-lead way to lift up the speaker and show him his value as a child of God.