Prayer Expectations

I’ve started reading Philip Yancey’s new book, Prayer. I’m five chapters in, and so far, I’m liking it. I’m writing all over my book – stars, underlines, comments. I’ve only been reading it for two days, so 1/5 of the way through is a pretty good indicator that I like it.

He ends chapter 5 with a discussion of the differences between men and women. I wrote the word "stereotypes" in the margin of the book (OK, actually, if anyone comes after me and reads my copy of the book, I wrote more than that – but let’s stay on topic). I have a real problem with assuming we know people by looking at them through the lens of a stereotype, but for the sake of argument, let’s follow through with this one, because I think it brings up an interesting question.

Understand that Yancey is describing the discussion that occurred at a class he was attending. The class was engaged in conversation about the book You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen.

The theory is that women "lament." Tannen actually uses that word as a kindler and gentler form of another, harsher word. In comparison, men are more likely to be “fixers.” Women want sympathy or empathy, and men either want to fix the problem or be silent about it (Right – men NEVER lament). This particular part of it sounds suspiciously like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus to me.

Tannen explains that women bond through suffering – that we connect through the affirmations gained through lamenting. Men, on the other hand, see no purpose in complaining if the problem cannot be fixed. If it can be fixed, then they feel an instinctual need to fix it.

I’m not going to argue the validity of this theory, except to say that I know that men complain, and that I also know women have the need to 'fix' things (just ask my mother). To be totally honest, I do both. There are times when all I want is an ear to hear my problems – I have no need for anyone else to fix them (the problems, I mean, not my ears). Other times I have a real need to FIX a problem, and grow impatient with the lack of action that I sometimes see.

Ignoring the lack of universal truth in the stereotype, let’s carry it forward into the idea of prayer. Do men pray with an expectation that God will fix the problem? Do women pray with only a need for God to hear their lamentations? If that is the case, then do we look at how God answers prayers differently? Do men generally expect an action from God while women do not?

What do I think? I think that Yancey would tell me that I’m looking at prayer from the wrong direction. I like how he defines the purpose of prayer in the earlier chapters. "The main purpose of prayer…is to know God." To quote Tim Stafford as mentioned in Yancey’s book, God "already cares about the things we pray about…He has simply been waiting for us to care about them with him."

So the question might most effectively be asked, "What are God’s expectations of prayer?" Is he disappointed in our approach to communication with him? One more quote, this time from Abraham Joshua Heschel, "Contact with Him is not our achievement. It is a gift, coming down to us from on high like a meteor, rather than rising up like a rocket."

Amen.

Image: Sunrise over interstate this week.