Rewriting the Story

How do we respond to people who are experiencing grief? Do you find it one of the most difficult things we do as part of a Church - to try to offer comfort to those in grief? Do you struggle with what to say? To do? I do, and I think we all do. I think this struggle is why people say words that they think might be comforting but really aren't.

Our former pastor tells the story of when his son died. Someone said something to him along the vein of "God must have needed another angel." It wasn't comforting to Jack (our pastor). It made him angry, and he expressed the anger to the person who said it. I can't blame him.

How do we provide comfort? If you are reading this because you think I might have an answer, go find another blog. I don't have one. 

Last year our dog died. She had been at the vet, being boarded, and the technician gave her to the wrong owner. She broke loose, ran away, and was hit by a car. What was comforting during that time was the kindness offered by people, the friends who listened to our story and sympathized. What was not comforting was the person who said, "That's why I always hire a dog sitter rather than board our dog."

Oh, well.

Peter Wallace, in the book, says that Jesus reacted to other people's grief by promising hope, encouraging faith, and by revealing himself. The last one in that list might have been my favorite. Consider the story in Matthew as the resurrected Jesus walks with the two people going to Emmaus. He listens to their story (a loving act), and then rewrites their story for them, sharing it in the light of scripture. 

Comfort in the face of grief rewrites the story. The ending doesn't change, but the experience is rewritten as people show us concern and love.

Jesus and Grief

I remember years ago that a minister who attended our church taught a Sunday school lesson on grief. He said that we can experience grief over the loss of anything. Think about that. One of his examples were the first scratch on a new car. I don't mean to compare the grief we experience over a scratch with the grief a mourning parent feels over the loss of a child, and I don't think David (the minister) meant to make that comparison, either, but the emotion of grief is not reserved for what we feel when someone dies.

Peter (see yesterday's post) provides several examples of when Jesus experienced grief, and what motivated that emotion.

• Jesus' experience of grief was linked to compassion. Wallace says that the Greek root of the word compassion means "love, tender concern, and grief." That resonated for me. Often our compassion for someone else is linked to grief at their situation.
• Jesus experienced grief in reaction to what religious leaders were doing. I asked the class if they could think of modern examples of this; all of the examples they gave were connected to the government, which surprised me (not that I don't agree with them). I was thinking modern examples might include how some churches might exclude from the community those who are divorced, or those who have a different sexual orientation. I think of churches that don't allow women to have leadership roles. 
• Jesus experienced grief when he was sad. The best example would probably be when he cries at Lazarus's tomb. I always surprised when people try to explain this away. Why wouldn't we expect him to be saddened by the death of a friend?

Another ah-ha moment for me in the chapter is the paragraph Peter writes about the beatitude: "'Blessed are those who grieve, for they will be comforted.' Of the nine Greek words used for grief in the Christian scriptures, the word used here is the harshest emotionally. This is the heart-wrecking, soul-rattling sort of mourning for those who are dead, a grief over the most intense loss."  I think we can find solace in both the idea that Jesus experienced that kind of grief (think of him standing outside of Lazarus's tomb, or retreating to be by himself after the death of John the Baptist) and that God is present with us even in that heart-wrenching time in our lives.

The Passionate Jesus

Our Sunday school has been reading and discussing the Peter Wallace book, The Passionate Jesus. The premise of the book (as I would state it) is that we need to be aware that Jesus was an emotional person. The book explores how Jesus experienced emotions such as love, grief, anger, joy and fear, how he reacted to them, and how he can serve as  role model for us as we deal with these emotions.

I lead the discussion on the grief chapter, and in subsequent posts, I'll dig into that, but I wanted to first explore a few questions with you.

First, do you imagine that Jesus was passionate? Does Peter's thesis surprise you? Do you disagree with it, or does it resonate with you? I think I've always considered that Jesus was a passionate person. My first encounter with that idea would be the story of the clearing of the moneychangers from the Temple. For me, this shows how Jesus could be angry, and how he would express that anger. I think if a person read that chapter in the gospel, he or she would be hard pressed to NOT see Jesus as a person who had passionate emotions.

I do think, however, that we teach our children about a calm, sedate Jesus, who was almost British in his outward emotions. Think of the artwork in a children's Sunday school room. It might include Jesus as a shepherd, carrying a sheep  or Jesus surrounded by children, looking angelic. Even crucifixion artwork would show him quietly dying without -- well -- screaming at the pain of it all. I'm not sure how we would teach children differently, but I think we do foster the idea of an emotional-less Jesus.

Secondly, do we consider our emotions to be a part of us, created in the image of God? And if that is the case, why would we ever expect that the person who for us is the best reflection of God we have to not have emotions. I'm glad Jesus experienced emotions. If Jesus is to be my advocate, I want him to have experienced anger and fear, joy and grief.

And if Jesus experienced emotions, then who better to serve as a role model for how to deal with what can be difficult?